I saw her today

i saw her today
so pretty
so happy
"i love your hair"
i say to her in line at Trader's

off to coffee, for me
and guess what?
off to coffee, for her
for there she was again
(ooh, maybe we can talk)
hee hee

got her coffee
and i got my coffee
and now we're both
by the coffee stuff

"how long have you had hair short?
it's so beautiful"
--there's a man in our middle who giggles
the way that men always giggle
when women talk Women

"oh, i've had chemo so many times
that i like to keep it short now"
just so pretty
so very pretty
i ask, "was the last time a long time ago?"
she says, "hmm, my daughter was ...right, it was 15 years ago."
were the times related?
"not really actually," she says

she grew up in southeast Asia
exposed to bad stuff
and she and her 2 sisters got cancer varieties
part of NIH studies
she likes to talk about this
this is very good for her
so happy
so lucky

so this is who she is
"Life is Good," the bumper sticker, right?
well, i met the one behind it all

sunshine in a person
a little lift as she walks
white hair so pure and healthy
the lines on her face were joy
"life is so good"
she says
"i'm gonna be a grandma soon"

i swear to you
there was a --- swoosh
as she left the store

believe me or not
but i had that same feeling
i imagine that little boy
felt as he saw
Superman lift right up in front of his eyes

i saw her today -
life is good!

annick

Those Sneaker Thingies

i so want to do this,
i try to run often
park at the gardens
and run.

last year, i did my first 5K,
so cool.
MCRRC - Montgomery County Roadrunners Club -
nice people,
all encouraging.

and 34 was last years time.
ok, that was so last years time -
i can beat that.

shoot, but this week,
a bit sick,
coughing and shniffling.
i don't think it's good..
and all my friends all have their reasons
why they can't,
boo!

ok, but i wanna,
i do wanna.
so i wake up,
do what i gotta
and didn't get lost

and there i was,
gonna do it.

then still doing it,
but chest is not so happy
breathing not so good
hafta walk a bit

but i wanna, i wanna
oh there's that couple
i can beat them?
i can pass them.

"YOU CAN DO IT"
(hay, who's that?)
guys call out
i love those guys
who are they?
water
clapping
so nice
whoever you are

at 2 miles
not so great
oh well but gonna finish

there's the finish line
that big clock -
and there's --- 36 mins!
uch uch uch!!
;-(

fine fine fine!!

i still wanna finish
oh well
just a little bit proud,
a bit ..
but mostly bummed
and breathing too hard
close to 37, uch
but i finished

so sluggish

but there's Mike over there
we started together
"so bummed, Mike
close to 37 mins."
:-(

"not possible"
says Mike.
he finished at 34
and he was after me
huh?

but the big clock?
i saw the 37?
not my time?
oh.
that *little thingie* on my sneaks
has my time?
found the posting
32 mins 54 secs -
hay, no way!

2 sec ago,
felt so ick
now, much better ;-)
that's nuts!

turns out
everyone knows
about those *sneaker thingies*
and now i know too ..,
until i forget

so,
from sluggish to leaping
so cool

happy for me?
i know you are
"annick, be happy for annick"
and i am
so cool.

ever notice

from my tree bridge

ever notice about holding on
that you're less secure
less sure-footed
when you hold on.

by yourself,
on your own
foot in front of foot
you're almost there,
just walking.

once the thought comes in -
"hold on"
then,
a little doubt enters,
a little shakey-ness.

so just walk,
foot after foot
no reach out
there you are,
no doubt

Peek-A-Boo

Anyone else have floating thoughts about what makes us tick?
Here' my little ditty:

Remember object permanence?
We were little and it was so fun searching for the missing "whatever"
and it was so cool/fun being tricked when it wasn't where we "knew" it was.
because we knew,
really knew it was there.
it was fun.
It was not an anxious thing unless,
unless, we didn't know (or didn't trust that it was there).
A child without this skill needs to be taught,
it's a real important, essential skill
and object permanence can be taught.

The permanence idea took me away from objects, though;
I started to wonder why it's fun and not anxious,
that something that was just there, disappeared.
I think it may be related to the permanence-ness.
sometimes.
Not with objects, but people i'm attached to.
If the people in my life go underneath a blanket or behind a door,
what if they never come back?
A sad thought? weird thought? anxious thought?

So i ask Susan, and she explains about healthy attachment when we're little.
I know about it generically, of course i do (i was a psych major ;-))
but Susan suggests a Dr. Bowlby, a psychoanalyst from a long time ago
if we don't have a healthy attachment when we're little, we work really hard to figure out how to get it
and I did.
and I still work very hard to keep what I love.
but I still worry.
but she says it'll get better
when I can learn how to trust.

so when each of you hide from me
I'll still get a little worried,
I think I'll always do that
but some day, it'll leave me less grabby/anxious
when I can trust that it's just a damn blanket
"these things happen"
my friends are still there

I am grateful for the people in my life who are not really gone,
even when life covers them up a bit.

peek-a-boo!

Where the yellow bricks end ...

letter to Oz:

well, hi,

I am the mother of a boy
who is thinking about college
and I was wondering
if, maybe, I might also
try something
that I found out about
only tonight
and it seems perfect for me.
so you think,
maybe,
you could grant me a "Gap Year?"

oh, is that right?
too long?
howabout 6 months?
oh, is that right?
well, can you check again
and just get back to me
with about when I might
be able to have a "gap"
thank you for listening
I've always believed in you,
Oz.

Un-learn the Un-important

a friend once said
about walking in the woods -
that the woods help us
un-learn the un-important.
i so loved that
and still do

un-learning the un-important
seems way harder than learning the important
my predawn lesson
in my new buddha-in-training book
was about un-learning the vicious cycle
of confirming that we exist

well, it was too much trouble for me to "learn"
before i un-learn this lesson
so i'm writing down a thought

for me, i don't think about existing,
as much as mattering.
so i was thinking about times for me,
that are helpful.

the trail near my house seems helpful.
maybe the woods help me feel alive and well
and matter-able
without seeking any attention.
attention from the trees?
"Oooh, Annick came back?"
'tis good for me trees don't talk
cuz then the trail might not be as magical.

hubby says it may have to do with
expecting nothing from the trees,
that they wouldn't give freely.

and that sounds right, too.
and sweet.

Lesson from the radio

from a radio show ..

if you can have either power
flight or invisibility
which would you choose?

most chose invisibility
wishing to see... (i thought)
moments speaking to
"what do folks really think of me"

the ones choosing flight
seem to choose it for speed

for me,
i don't know for sure
i am curious
what folks think of me
sometimes, i experiment with invisibility
little unknown people at university
can do this ya know

but one thing i do know
if i could fly -
a quick arrival time?
not so critical.
would love
flapping above
seeing far
above wires-
above chatter-
above shoulds
surrounded by open-ness
wonderful,
just wonderful
flying would be

the show finished with the thought:
who do we want to be -
the "me" who i wish i could be?
the "me" who i am afraid i already am?
who else?

maybe that's where
we insert
"i'm still learning"
we all have storylines...
and Carey says "it's all good"
and Kelly said "dang it all"
and Barry looks out windows
and Kathy said something
and annick says "isn't that funny?"
we are .. what we are
tomorrow is a new day
i knew what it was yesterday
...confused still
but learning
always learning

and still smiling